It’s four in the morning, the end of December...
I’m writing you now just to see if you’re better.
New york is cold, but I like where I’m living...
There’s music on clinton street all through the evening.

I hear that you’re building your little house deep in the desert.
You’re living for nothing now.
I hope you’re keeping some kind of record...

Yes, and Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear
Did you ever go clear?

Ah, the last time we saw you, you looked so much older
Your famous blue raincoat was torn at the shoulder
You’d been to the station to meet every train
And you came home without lili marlene

And you treated my woman to a flake of your life
And when she came back she was nobody’s wife

Well I see you there with the rose in your teeth
One more thin gypsy thief
Well I see Jane’s awake

She sends her regards

And what can I tell you my brother, my killer?
What can I possibly say?
I guess that I miss you, I guess I forgive you;
I’m glad you stood in my way...

If you ever come by here, for Jane or for me
Your enemy is sleeping, and his woman is free. (!!!)

Yes, and thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes
I thought it was there for good so I never tried. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

And Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear

... :O ...
... Thrilling ...

"Famous Blue Raincoat"

I dislike myself...

***
...از خودم بدم میاد

***

and then tears along with my glass of wine and cigarettes joined me for tonight, as my only and only guests.

It makes me wonder sometimes how memories of my past can turn me upside down! Or maybe I am just looking for an excuse to live my past again... Turn back time and live those days again. Lax in those days, years... I am sure I would live them the same way as I have...

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

:)

Merci for the beautiful post anyway...

+ We lie!! Admit it. We humans always lie... By lie I don't mean one of those which charlatans make up! I just mean lies like those you and I say in our everyday lives. Don't we?! I mean... I do at least.

+ Listen, in your opinion a lie is a lie. And it seems that you are right. But you are not! I can make up things, and I can create any lie which I want to, I can fool around with some people, I can stand someone up, I can trick someone, and I can joke with someone, practical and useful jokes; based on convenience!!! And at the same time I don't feel as a lier, and my conscience would have no problem with it either. These lies, if you want to call them lies, are indicators of real me. With this lies I don't pretend anything, actually with these lies I am talking of the truth... (from a sarcastic point of view) BUT! As there is always a BUT everywhere!! He he! Remember it!
But there are subjects which I cannot lie about them. There are things which I have realized them thoroughly; got their meanings, and I like them and their sincere truth, and I pay serious attention to them; seriously. About these subjects: no jokes, no fooling around... And if I do so, I have belittled myself, I have disrespected myself and my beliefs. It will have a heavy heavy burden on my shoulders then... and a guilty conscience which is the worst thing to carry with you wherever you go...

It sounds like impossible... But I have done it... And I agree that is depressing. But you know sth, I'm not gonna do it again... I am going to hold on to some morals duuuuuuuuuuuude!!! ;) Kidding!

No, but seriously... I will be fine... :) SooooooOOoooooon.

I am going to write something about it, something about tonight and something about my little private moment when I read your email... :o) ... Let me pass this God damn exam... Tomorrow... yeah, tomorrow night I will write.
I am so happy, so so happy. As if I have no more psychology to study and........... oh man, I am so happy!
********************************************************************************
Good night, I am going to study and write my journals... Sleep well دختر.

Good night, or good morning! Which one I don't care; I am gonna sleep...

Ayyy, yeah right! Now I know something. I found out something essential (!!!), and believe me when I say I am so so sorry for you... Poor you. You know why?!


Because you don't have the balls

That's all you need to know. What a pitty for you that you don't have me... Ooh! know how it feels, oh poor you... yeah I know, I know... that you even can't have the real me... Oh I am so sorry, so so sorry... Oh what a pitty! Just your luck! Oh... I know , I know, it feels terrible... I know... oh...

STUPID, ASSHOLE, WIMP, LOSER, SLIME, RUBISH, EMPTY, COWARD, LIER, LIER, LIER, LIER,...

...

Maybe the question is not why I constantly am the person that I want to be...
Maybe the question is why I constantly want to be the person that I am...

...

sigh

...

Headache...
Smell of cigarettes...
and... hate or disgust,
Filling every little particle in me...

That's all and me smiling, a bitter one... sarcastically looking at myself in the mirror... How far I am from the face in the mirror... How far...

I don't know what to do, what to write... I don't know many things now... I am breaking into pieces, very very tiny pieces, right now, right now at this very moment, right now that my fingers are feeling these funny artificial keys. It is like I have always been living on a different planet, and now... now I have been doomed to live here, on Earth... I am mad now. I want to scream, to yell... I, now, know that I should have lied to you. Yes, right! I should have lied. But you know what, anyways I am going, I have made my decisions. I am not gonna stay here, I have my tickets, and I will be going. I will leave here. And you know that eventually I will marry some crazy guy and leave you. I don't want to know about morals and what's right or wrong. I don't. That's all... I DO NOT. I want to make mistakes, I want to learn how to make mistakes and then accept the consequences. I want to learn how to handle a disastrous situation. I want to be irresponsible. I want to listen to the child inside me. I want to go. There is not gonna be any kind of relationship between me and... Of course not. So why don't you let me go and enjoy myself?! Why should I act like a 30 years old woman while I am not, and I don't want to either.

>>>>>YOU HEAR ME, I DON'T WANT TO EITHER<<<<<

This is the point you are missing. This is the point. I am going to screw the whole thing, all right. I was being honest and respectful to you, you ruined it. You didn't value it. Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn damn

"You will belittle yourself..." and then your face and your logical ideas come into mind. My head is blowing, blowing, cause of pain... yes and also cause of all the air you guys blew into it. It is filled with air. AIR!!! Air is valuable for living things; it is filled with nothing. Ah, I don't know... You are on my nerves, and you know what?!?! This thing is driving me crazy. What?! You sure you wanna know what is drivin' me crazy?!!? You are not strong, you are not capable of handling it if I tell you. You are not ***** enough to accept the consequences of what you just did to me tonight... "I am not gonna be honest to you anymore", I will skip your arguments, your talks and your whatever which involves me. I don't say OUR talks, or OUR arguments cause there won't be anything from my side anymore... whatever there is going to be is all YOURS, not OURS anymore.
You know?!?! I think it really is enough. It really is. Want to throw me outta here, do it please. My pleasure. Ah, I will miss you. But I know you wouldn't. You are too different, and you have become so distant since I can remember... Ah ah ah... May I cry Jay Jay joonam?!?!

+... Sure you can... I am, I, I am terribly sorry for what happened. You were at work, tired, got home, a lot of pressure from everywhere... applying to all these God damn expensive schools, thinking about all the loans which once you start working you'll be paying burning your ass off(poor you...), your jobs, your school, your lonliness, your broken irremediable heart, the feeling of being a stranger deep inside, this shock, this long long coma, (Hey Apocalyse now is great... exactly the way you said, repeat it, repeat it...in an endless loop)... many many things in ur mind... and then you are about to find a hole, a last hope to suck you out of this hell... so happy!! But not much strength is left in u... You want to run but you can't; exactly like when you want to scream in a nightmare but you can't. It IS frustrating. Not much energy is left... staggering staggering toward the hole... bloody, injured, darn tired, too tired, the fatigue is running through your veins... The fatigue is sucking your blood..., imagine the worst situation ever possible. And then they come and block the hole, right when you get there... Right when you get there!! With their big fat asses... They block it, you are almost on the ground, you can't find the power to stand up... You hold his right foreleg with your right hand... try to lean on your right elbow as you look up to look him into his eyes. As you're looking at them this tune starts to play in your mind over and over... over and over... apocalypse now... his groan is amazingly suits tonight... but more than that does his perseverance... " and this is the end, this is the end..." He is sure...

I am sure. I am going to do whatever I feel like. I will wake up tomorrow and I will live as I desire...

And this is the end, this is the end. As I assign it.
This is MY end. I am wild, but I am not free... You know what the consequences are. Wild but not free.

My hand, look at my wrist! The scar from the GYM is spreading all over my wrist!!! My skin is completely gone, gone!! You can see my tissue!!! I open the gauze at nights when everyone is asleep, and I look at it.

My knees too... It reminds me of that tree with many mementoes on its trunk... on her body. Mementoes appearing on your body and your soul as time passes by... I am too angry tonight, full of hate... I have made my decision, they say you shouldn't decide while you are angry. They say a wise man doesn't solve a problem when he is mad. They say a lot of these balonies... But I don't care at all, right now I just don't care about morals, wisdom, right, wrong, justice,... Right and wrong are relative... always. Ah, I tell him "Right and wrong are relative... hey, if THE ONLY choice that I have is to steal a pill from a drugstore in order to save my brother's life, I would steal." And poor me, what a pitty for me that I have to talk to this guy!!! He answers me back " well, no! You wouldn't steal, you go inside and you borrow it." !!!! :O and then he goes on, ok you are trying to justify yourself. YEAH right. I want to pass through that hole and see what it is like out there... I want to live. For once at least. I want to feel how it's like not to care about anyone's perception of me... I want to let go, more and more... If I regret it, it's my fault. Ah leave me, leave me , leave me... 21 years old is young, I am young. But this is the whole thing you are missing... I AM young... For God's sake, I am YOUNG. And I won't be young once these crazy years are gone... I won't. And I know if I close my eyes to the world out there I would regret it tomorrow when I am holding a baby in my left arm and holding another's hand with my right hand... I will regret it, and I will regret it so bad. So bad. Now plz don't draw the lines for me... I will go and your KINDNESS to me will not change, at its slightest at all...

this is the end... the end.

...تمام
...finished
...prêt
...perfetto
...beëindigd
...perfectus
...terminado
...listo
...законченный
...tayari

...اَه بابا ولم کنین
...داغونم داغون
،خالی از هر چی
...حتی از سؤال
- چی؟ تو؟ حتی از سؤال؟ الو؟ اااااااالو؟ چرا لال شدی؟؟؟؟؟ الو؟



...................................................................................................................................................


Apocalypse now... I wish I had a dear friend now by my side. :) :( :(

I wish I had a shoulder, and I wish I had a support to lean on... a strong and wide chest...
After all, always, at the very end, and also along the way wherever I stop to take a breathe and not to think about all the chaos around me, is your name... covered with my tears, and carried with our memories of those days which are gone... روزبه



:(

Hey Ali!!! Yarma!!! :D :) :) :*

Mmm... I wish I could write more now, but I have been injured so bad!! Physically. I was running today at the GYM that something hilarious happened, and then I fell off the treadmill!!! Then me acting like an asshole, struggling and trying to stand up while the machine was at its fastest speed EVER (!!! :O ), ruined my knees, wrists and my face just next to my left eye... I ruined my skin!! Good that I am not ganna have a date for Valentine's day!!! :D :)) Because I really look awful now!! Everyone today at school thought I have had a fight with a strong asshole guy! Cause my eye looked like one of those eyes!! LOL... Anyway, now I can't sit for a long time because my knees hurt so bad... ;) But u know, nothing to worry about cause I, myself, had a lot of fun laughing out loud!!! While struggling and feeling my skin being rubbed off completely, I was shouting out "Negar Negar, look!! Look!! Haa haa haaaaa!! He he heeee!!!" It, indeed, was so funny at that moment!! I cannot remember of a time that I might have looked as funny and as ridiculous as today! SO I couldn't stop laughing!!! Anywayyyyyyy... too much of baloneies for tpday!!

Cheers to all of us, cheers to the happy ones twice as much... :D You know who I mean...

:)

(Oh oh!! Just got an idea!! :D We can call him خرس مهربون and the other one پسر شجاع!!!! Oh man, what a great invention we are facing here!!!!)

Where is my background, my Rothko...?? Where is it? Sharemation? Hey...?

AH, so tired, after working for 9 hours, that I can't think of anything except nagging and nagging...
It would be wise if I leave, better if I don't open up now...

It's strange... Why people get where that they keep things inside (intentionally or unintentionally doesn't really matter here). By people, in particular, I mean those who used to open up always so easily... This feeling is like an obligation. I hate them.

That's all...

خخخششششش
خخخخشششششش
خخخخخششششششش
خخخخخخخخخخخخخ
شششششششششششش
...

I want to screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
This bastard ate all my long long post. It ate it all... Ah, damn it. DAMN...
I can't believe I lost that post!!!!! I can't fucking believe what this damn blog just did?!?!??!?!

:O

:O

:O

:O

:O

kajsg8v4t5obilrtubvvalruilvbaroyvb;aoiryvba;oriybvatriyv..... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

که همش بالا نمیاد sharemation از دست این
. و زحمتای علی و منو خراب میکنه
. X( ...اِی آدم دیجیتالی یه بدجنس خبیث

...راستی یه عالمه دربارهً دیشب هست که باید بنویسم آآمّا!! آآمّا اول چی؟! خب معلومه درس... اونم بعد از اینهمه مدّت الواتی...

دربارهُ اون زندانیها

هم خیلی دارم که بنویسم

:) .وای مرسی خدا... یهو چه همه کارخوب دارم که دلم میخواد بکنم

You see?!?! I have to stop myself from writing to do my homework; otherwise, I wouldn't leave this chair, this keyboard and this monitor! (There is just one thing which is not satisfying enough, and that is I wish I could put my own handwriting here instead of some bunch of codes, AND WORSE THAN THAT DIGITAL CODES... not pleasing for me.) Since I have started writing again it makes me feel so good, optimistic, useful, kind even!! and worthy of many things! I had really really missed it, and if someone now asks me what has been bothering me all this time, I can say my neglect, my own neglet and my weak determination: I should have started writing and expressing my thoughts sooner than this... But at least I have!!! :)

Come up to meet you
tell you I'm sorry
you don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
tell u I need u
tell u I set u apart
tell me your secrets
ask me your questions
oh let's go back to the start
running in circles
coming in tales
heads are a science apart
nobody said it was easyyyyyyyyy
it's such a shame for us to part
nobody said it was easyyyyyyyyy
no one ever said it would be this hard
oh take me back to the start
guitar, guitar plays amazingly
I was just guessing
at numbers and figures
pulling ur puuuzzles apart
questions of science, science and progress
do not speak as loud as my heart
tell me u love me
come back and haunt me
oh and I rush to the start
running in circles
chasing tales
COMING back as we are
...ba ba ra ba...
...ba ba ra baaaaa...
...ooooooooooooaaaaa aa aa haaammmm...
...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
....
..
.

It's awesome, isn't it?!

........................................................سرکاری..........................................................

Ah!!! You want the writings to appear from right to left, but then you have things which have to be shown from left to right... You know what it's called?!?!?

.....................................................بی هوئیتی یا گم و گوری...............................................

سرخس

...اشک تو چشام هجوم میاره... انگار میخواد مردمک چشامو ببره با خودش

+ ...ولش کن... بذار ببره

+ !!!!هه!! خب چرا که نه

+ :>

.............شرررررررررررررررررررررر شررررررررررررررررررررررر

اهنگ "سه راه" خیلی خوبه... مگه نه؟

............شرررررررررررررررررررررر شرررررررررررررررررررررررر

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
!!!!!راااااااااااااستی
......جیپ قرمز تو هم مبارک ک ک ک ک ک

I love Jeeps a lot as well. I agree, you can learn many things driving a Jeep

:) هوم؟

مردم... دبگه چه خبرا؟

...ابنجا خبر خاصی نیس جز اینکه 2 تا دوست پیدا شدن که حتا بیشتر از ایرانیهای اینجا بوی دوستای خوب ایران رو میدن
1- یه مصری
2- Jewish Japanese Finish Autralian یه مخلوط
گه گیجه گرفتی؟!؟!؟

.همین دیگه... مواظب خودت باش کوچولو

...شب بخیر... البته تو 5 ساعت دیگه موقع خوابت میشه جونم
...همممممممممممممممممممممم... دلم گرفت یه هو

...بوس... از اون بوس خوباش... ممممممممممممممممممممممممممممممممممممممم




>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> جونمی جون <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Strange feelings... strange and weird feelings sorrounding me... This population of weird feelings is growing larger and larger as days are passing by... Hey feelings, I am a claustrophobic... so would you guys plz be nice and consider this fact about me... hum?!?

What is a FACT baby?! Could you please explain it... HUH? HUH?

And there I am drowning!!! And cannot believe what's happening to me, staring at them... and wondering about how feelings which once were desired and praised by me are now killing me.

What a dream it was!! I am all sweating... I hate that phobia... It is frustrating...
Where am I?!

I know, I just know that I miss Iran, and God knows how much I miss Tehran especially... People, taxi drivers with their cars, the weather, the smell of the city... late at nights when it has rained a little bit too... the color of the leaves on teh leaves at spring... The trees themselves, now so naked... The highways, the crowd... traffic jams... my university, :(( I miss all the people I even hated once. My university, Azadi square, the air, Tehran. The air, Tehran... I can smell it, but it is too fake now here... I want that dirty poluted weather... the real one, for real. I will tell someone to put some of it in a box, a tiny white box... with some tulips from that flower shop in Golestan, Shahrake Gharb... That was my favorite flower shop... Ah, many many times I bought many many flowers from there for you... For him would fit here better...here...

sigh

I'm sorry, so sorry...

...

Sepideh remember that flower shop? :) Mmm... I miss there and I miss you guys... Sepideh, wish you luck on your new project... ;) :p Take care and... mmmm...!!!!!! Stay warm. :)

Gotta go home now, I can't write Farsi here... it sucks, I have to write something in Farsi. I am gonna go home now...

!!!یک خل بازی یه عظیم عظیم
وووووووووووووووووووووووووووووووووووووی
ایول
:)

Surgeon general's warning: "Smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy."

+ Good to know that I am aware of these, so... shut it up, ok... So nice and politely!

- Thanks!!!!

Silly, silly, life is silly...

...when does this major absence end...

Ah ah ah, khaste shodam khaste... Tired, nah exhausted. exhausted.

Everything vanishes in front of my eyes... Everything... and I just watch them fade away...

Ah, no one answering their phones here?!?! No one to call to... to talk to.

It is something more than a major absence... It sounds like an eternal absence...
I am too scared, too scared. I don't want to get used to it. I know I can get used to things so easily and so quickly... I have been fighting this feeling for about 10 months. I don't want to get used to having no one to love... I miss loving people, well not exactly people; I miss being with those (guys) whom I can love... by his side. I don't want any one to love me, I just want to find someone to love... That's all... Too desperate, too sad... too sorry.

Too sorry.

Mmmm, I miss writing my own poems... I miss that feeling, when I start writing and while I write... I miss my maroon notebook. My hands miss it so bad, so soft those pages were... They loved to roll on those pages while recording unforgetable memories and moments...
My hand wrote so freely... no order, nothing. It could write wherever it wanted... But my inspiration liked to keep its desirable order which is unpredictable...


Howcome it can be untitled, and nothingness... They are full of warm feelings... full of love, warmth, life, sensation, nature, devotion, kindness, humanity,generosity, ...,...,...,...,..., and love...
Ah I don't like the word "love"... It sounds too cliche, I need to find another word for what I mean... These days love means something other than what I now mean. Honestly...

God if I had someone here by my side I could make him the happiest man on the planet earth or even in the whole universe.!!! :)) :)) LOL!!! You dirty mind, leave me, I don't want you to read these... Dirty dirty asshole. Not tonight, don't listen to me plz you dirty mind...

Mmmm... ah, it is coarse...

PS. Ice creammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... yummy yummy!! ;)
...Nite nite...